“This arboretum is absolutely beautiful.” Come here with my water colours and paint. Not paint IT, but paint HERE. Yes. “I’d not been here in ages. If people talk about it, then about how run down it is. I mean, obviously it’s a bit wild. But that’s great!”

  “Yes, we’re here among some amazing trees. And lots of wild flowers between the trees.” Magical. A girlfriend's smile, the voice of a loving brother. “Just listen how everything buzzes. I don’t know what it looked like when you were last here. But there was an initiative some years back, trying to raise the profile of the arboretum. They planted lots of these highly cultivated ornamental flowers in order to get more people to come. They also built this structure, that we then converted into the café. When their initiative folded, we took over. And we started replacing these ornamental plants with native wild plants. We instantly had more insects moving in. The wilder plants supply the food they need.“

  “I didn’t know that! Can’t they eat the nectar of ornamental flowers?”

  “Well, these ornamental flowers are only cultivated for the visuals. People want to see flashy blossoms. But they hardly provide any nectar for insects. Insects may be drawn to them because they react to their colours, but they find an empty plate.

  “Oh. That’s a superficial type of beauty.”

  “Well, just anthropocentric. I can’t even call that beauty, because I think being so egoistic is something ugly.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “It’s like the pomp you can look at in castles — may look great at first glance. But as soon as you think about it — where did that all come from? The poverty of the people who were squeezed out to accumulate it all. Maybe the façade looks nice, but it’s rotten at the core.” 

  “Absolutely. I agree.” Time to breathe. Sunshine. Hear the buzzing. 

  “This arboretum is a wonderful place. It’s there for everyone. Hear the birds? They’re all around us all day.” 

  “Yes, I noticed it, when I arrived!”

  “They are all coming here now, because they find so many insects and wild seeds. See the old sticks there? That’s last year’s evening primroses. They must be so full of seeds. The goldfinches came all winter to feast on them. I’m not a hundred percent sure how native evening primroses are, actually. Well, I’m sure about the dandelion! The Goldfinches love their seeds, too.”

 

This is all super interesting. But. Struggle to focus. This person. Mainstream media has been more and more full of people living non-binary, between male and female. Is this one?

  “Last year we also cooperated with a beekeeper. If all goes well, she’ll bring us bees again, this year, too. We had the boxes back there in the most remote end of the arboretum and we could observe the bees flying out over the dunes. So lovely.”

  “Oh really? They leave the flowers here and go over to the dunes?” No answer. “Uhm, I mean: is there a lot for them to find? They prefer the sand stuff to the flowers here?” Giggling.

  “You have no clue about dunes, do you?” 

I’m staying calm. With someone else that would have made me feel stupid. With this person it doesn’t. Funny. Somehow this double thing is comforting. As comforting as if two people were taking care of me.

  “Okay, it seems like I don’t. I moved out here some years ago because I got a job here. But obviously there are still a lot of places for me to explore. Isn’t that just sand out there?”

  “Sand, yes. But JUST sand, no. There are lots of flowering plants out there. And lots of wildlife. Birds of course, and also for example newts and toads.”

  “Newts and toads! Okay, so maybe it’s wetter there than I thought?”

A friendly grin.

  “Probably. It’s not the Sahara if that’s what you were thinking. There is grassland out there and seasonal ponds and nooks and crannies, so the newts have everything they need to breed or hibernate. And we have amazing ground breeding birds.”

  “That sounds quite alive actually.”

  “It is, absolutely beautiful. You have to go check it out. But please stick to the paths.”

  “Okay….”

  “Honestly, we really do struggle with people and especially dogs trampling around everywhere. I mean, by now it has sunken in with many people that ground breeding birds exist, actually. But still — many don’t make the connection that that means you can’t just let your dog run around everywhere. It’s no good if you yourself stick to the paths, if every day ten dogs don’t. And what people don’t know is just how sensitive the plants are which are responsible for holding the dunes in place. If you step on them it’s gonna uproot them. It’s not like walking on a meadow, where the plants are securely anchored in the soil. Sand is different.”

  “Sure, that makes sense.” 

  “But sorry, I’ve trailed a bit off. What I wanted to tell you is: last summer we had a student from Catalonia here. He was studying art and design and was just having a bit of a crisis, because he said he realised rather than going into design, he actually more like wants to go into nature photography.” Uff.

  “Really?” 

  “Yeah, I don’t know if he’s changed his major by now. Anyway, he brought some amazing photographs of butterflies from the hills overlooking Barcelona and then he took some amazing photographs of butterflies right here around the dunes. We have an exhibition in the café. Do you want to see it?” Heart. Pounding.

  “Sure, sounds great.” Of course it does. It’s no one else’s fault I have such a difficult relationship to photography! Need to stay open minded! Ooops, the table. I’m clumsy. Almost threw down my coffee!

  “Take your cappuccino along so it doesn’t get cold.”

  “Good idea.”

I trail behind, is it okay, if I look a bit at her — his — body? Don’t want to be impolite. Boom boom boom my heart is pounding! The interior looks dark, first need to get used to the different light. 

We’re stopping beside one another. My eyes adjust, the room seems to get brighter. 

  “Wow.” This is amazing. “You won’t believe how many pictures of butterflies I’ve seen in my job. I actually work in design, you know.” Butterflies fly across washing powder meadows and pseudo-posh chocolates. I’d never reflected about that we degrade them to ornaments without faces.  

  “What do you think?” The warm voice so close to me.

They make me feel ashamed.

  “I had no idea butterflies had funny noses like that.”

A whiplash look out of water clear eyes. I’ve never had a pokerface. Don’t lose interest in me, please. “I mean. I’ve really never seen this. Uhm. Which is your favourite picture?” 

The purifying eyes spare me and wander across the walls.

  “I think this one over there. One of our silver studded blue butterflies. I just love these big round eyes and all the silver blue fur. And I know of course what you mean, it looks like they have snub noses.”

Relief! 

  “Amazing” Was that my voice? Croak. “You know, when I look at that, I totally can’t understand at all anymore how anyone could only see wings. The eyes are amazing, the fluffy fur and the zebra striped feelers. And also what I would call the noses….” 

  “And what is really great is to observe the people who look at these photos. You can really see how these photos change the people who look at them. Just the other day a lady who has been identifying butterflies as a hobby for decades said she sees them differently now. She realised how much is missing in the conventional identifying books she’s been using for all these years. How much always only focussing on the wings reduces them…”

  “Absolutely”. Impulsive. “Conventionally, butterflies are depicted as if they were an idealised design, just a human idea of a butterfly. That, what we want to see: colours, patterns. I’d never noticed that, either. And people find them beautiful the way they’re being depicted — without faces. Isn’t it weird? How can we find a living being beautiful without even looking at such a big part of someone’s identity as a face?”

  “Exactly. Isn’t it great, what some unconventional photographs can trigger? I mean, we’ve all seen many butterflies in our lives. And photos of butterflies. For example in commercials.” 

That hit home. I’m part of the problem. People’s stunted view on living beings is my fault. Well, partly. I’m not challenging the tradition. Part of the problem. Part of the canonisation. Fluffy with big eyes is funny and cute and something for the kids. When flying over chocolates for adults, a butterfly can’t be fluffy. Only noble wings, please. We really don’t have any respect. Idealising a living creature, only accepting the parts which are considered beautiful, despising the rest and photoshopping it away. It’s the same thing: everyone knows commercials make people feel bad and ugly because we disrespect what life really looks like. I wasn’t aware we also shape people’s view of non-human beings.

  “This is really high quality photography. Does the exhibition have a name?”

  “It does actually. It’s called ‘full frontal dignity’.” 

  “Oh!” 

  “Yeah, great title, isn’t it! Because usually, butterflies would be photographed not frontally but from up top. To showcase their wings. BUT what Oriol wanted to draw attention to is: the face is up front. He said if we don’t look someone in the face, we don’t respect them, we don’t respect their dignity.”

Okay. I think I got this. Short summery to make sure I got this:

  “Right. Normally people are absolutely uninterested in a butterfly’s face. So normally people are absolutely uninterested in respecting a butterfly.” I lift my eyes into the waitperson’s face. “This is really touching on something I’ve been thinking about. I was just today trying consciously to stop seeing living things as motifs. I actually hold a degree in photography. I’m working in design and I think it’s probably an obsession that comes with the job. My brain is really quick to see a motif in everything. And I think that’s not healthy. I feel it removes me from the natural world, from feeling that someone is alive. I want to feel more alive.“

  “You would have gotten on well with Oriol, our photographer. You could have had great conversations. Pity you weren’t here last summer. But! I have you here now and that’s good, too. Look. What I wanted to show you about the dunes: look at all those plants  the butterflies are on. So half of these photos are taken around Barcelona and the other half here in our dunes.”

  “Not the Sahara.”

  “Nope.”